


Remember Us To Life

by poolsidescientist



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: Multi, Songfic, regina spektor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2018-11-05 08:10:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11009418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poolsidescientist/pseuds/poolsidescientist
Summary: A Series of Songfics based on the songs on Regina Spektor's album 'Remember Us to Life'





	1. Bleeding Heart

**Author's Note:**

> So I really like this album and decided to write a series of songfics. They will be set either during or after the events in the show. Naturally I own none of Regina Spektor's work nor do I own the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Feedback is always welcome.
> 
> This chapter takes place right after the season two finale.

What you got on tap  
I’ll take two of that  
I’m chasing a story I heard  
When I was here last  
At the back of the class  
You pretended you never got lost

Maybe his boyfriend was right about weddings after all. Considering how he had gotten divorced and now his employee and friend Rebecca Bunch had just been left at the altar, Darryl Whitefeather couldn’t help but feel a bit disenchanted in the institution of marriage. As WhiJo left Josh Chan another angry voicemail, Darryl watched Rebecca cry into her drink while being consoled by her would-be bridesmaids. Her parents were nowhere to be found and there was no doubt she felt betrayed and abandoned by some of the people who should have been an important part of her life. It was heartbreaking, and Darryl found himself sobbing almost as heavily as Rebecca was.

Yeah at the back of the class  
In the back of the bus  
Sitting out at the dance  
Always saying no thanks  
When they see you around  
You look down at the ground  
But when they walk away  
You wish they’d stay . . .

Rebecca Bunch deserved many things in life, but being left at the alter was not one of them. She was so full of energy and enthusiasm, not unlike Darryl himself. And like Rebecca, he had always found himself being bullied for it. From being called an ‘emasculated sock-puppet’ by his father, to being cheated on by his wife, to being the laughing stock of his co-workers, their words and actions hurt him. And he knew they hurt Rebecca just as much. No matter how old you were, bullies and selfish people somehow always made you feel like a lonely, unwanted child.

Never never mind, bleeding heart, bleeding heart  
Never never mind your bleeding heart  
Never never mind, bleeding heart, bleeding heart  
Never never mind your bleeding heart

Darryl took another gulp of his drink as Rebecca continued to sob. Even Paula’s hugs could only do so much to ease her pain. Hector and WhiJo were trying to manage the guests, with Heather eventually joining them in an attempt to calm the fiasco. It was a whirlwind of confused and disappointed people and this wedding would likely be the only thing anyone would be talking about for a while. Even Nathanial looked about ready to murder the absentee groom. Poor Rebecca probably had no idea what kind of shitstorm she was about to experience. Getting divorced was bad enough, he couldn’t imagine getting stood up at the wedding. He couldn’t even imagine how anyone could stand someone up at their wedding either. Darryl doubted this would be something Rebeca would ever be able to forget.

You can’t help but stare at everyone there  
It’s you versus everyone else  
Your outfit’s a crime  
You feel their cold minds  
Placing you under arrest  
And you serve your time  
Drinking all night long  
Staring at the walls  
Of your jail-like home  
Listening to that song  
’Cause it hurts just right  
Till everything is gone tonight . . .

Finally, Josh Chan’s family had left to go figure out why he had abandoned ship and most of the guests were also on their way out. Madison was helping Heather clean up some of the decorations and even Rebecca seemed to have calmed down a little. She had a murderous glint in her eyes. She hated Josh right now, maybe even more than he had hated Stacy when she had first suggested getting a divorce. Even if he had moved on with his life, the memories still hurt. 

Never never mind, bleeding heart, bleeding heart  
Never never mind your bleeding heart  
Never never mind, bleeding heart, bleeding heart  
Never never mind your bleeding heart

As the last of guests emptied out of the venue, the place no longer looked chaotic but ominously empty. This would never be a happy place for Rebecca, and the next little while would be a difficult time for her. Darryl knew that feeling, what he didn’t know was how to help her survive it.

Someday you’ll grow up  
And then you’ll forget  
All of the pain you endured  
Until you walk by a sad pair of eyes  
And up will come back all the hurt  
And you’ll see their pain  
As they look away  
And you want to help  
But there’s just no way  
’Cause you’ve won the war  
So it’s not your turn  
But everything inside still burns . . .

But she would survive. Just has he had. Looking over Darryl noticed his kind and reliable boyfriend picking up his exhausted, but happy and healthy daughter. At Rebecca’s age he never thought he could be as happily in love as he was or that one day he would have such a wonderful child. Sure, his life had its rough patches but overall things had turned out well for him. Even if things hadn’t gone the way he had initially wanted in his youth.

Never never mind, bleeding heart, bleeding heart  
Never never mind your bleeding heart  
Never never mind, bleeding heart, bleeding heart  
Never never mind your bleeding heart

As he left with his boyfriend and daughter, Darryl gave one last glance over to Rebecca and her bridesmaids and wedding planner. He couldn’t help but notice Heather’s calm and sensible nature, Paula’s protective motherliness; he noticed how Valencia held Rebecca’s hand just a little longer than a friend might and how all three of them made a point of staying with Rebecca. Even at her lowest point, she was not alone.

How long must I wait. . .  
’til you learn that it’s not too late  
How long must I cry. . .  
’til you know that you really tried  
How long must I try. . .  
’til you learn that dreaming’s hard  
How long must I dream…  
’til you heal your bleeding heart  
Never mind your bleeding heart. . .

In the end, Darryl Whitefeather was happy. Someday he knew that Rebecca Bunch would be too.


	2. Older and Taller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paula tries to understand her new boss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever, thank you for your patience. This chapter would be set at some point after season two. If you recognize something I don't own it, I do however own my love of feedback :)

I remembered you older and taller   
But you’re younger and smaller   
So who’s gonna call her and say   
That you’re back again

From the bottom of her heart, Paula Proctor really wanted to hate her new boss. For months she grumbled under her breath at his tyrannical new office rules. Never did she think she would miss Darryl’s pathetic excuse for leadership. But without the office stupidities surrounding her, she was now expected to work far harder and longer than she was used to, especially considering that she was juggling law school and her home life at the same time. It lead to too many late nights. Tonight was just one of many albeit a duller one than usual as Rebecca had to go home due to an overflowing toilet. After texting Scott to tell him to order a pizza for the boys, she saved her work and decided to treat herself to a cup of coffee and a walk around the office to clear her head. It was going to be an especially long night.

And all the lies, they were wiser   
And the wise were the liars  
And the liars were on fire  
And the fires were put out   
Just to be lit again

Yawning and rubbing her eyes, Paula decided to walk past Nathaniel’s office. There was a small comfort in the fact that the slave driver was a workaholic himself. He was always working, always doing something, always expecting everyone else to do the same regardless of the circumstances. It was cruel, though in his case probably also indicated a lack of maturity as well. Peering in through the window to his office, Paula noticed that Nathaniel had fallen asleep at his desk. In his sleep, he no longer resembled a commanding lawer so much as a kid who had been given far too much homework. A kid trying to make his father proud, albeit in his own, convoluted way.

You’re alone ’til you’re not alone   
And that’s all you need to know  
Every time you decide to stay  
Then the world will make you go  
And that’s all you need to know

Stealthily, she tiptoes into his office. It wasn’t a place where Paula usually wanted to go but she couldn’t help but wonder if it could tell her more about her young boss. Either it would help her understand him better or else provide her with new material to blackmail him with. 

All the debts they got settled   
And the settlers got cattle  
But the cattle was rattled  
By the snakes that were guarding   
The garden gates  
And you retired just in time  
You were about to be fired   
For being so tired  
From hiring the ones who will take your place

Unfortunately for her, Nathaniel’s office was exceptionally neat. Darryl’s clutter was always a useful indicator for his moods and desires, he was an open book and consequently far easier to manipulate. Darryl’s office represented who he felt he was, Nathaniel’s represented who he thought he should be. There were no family photos, no personal objects, no clutter, nothing in that office was individual to Nathaniel except for his law degree and various awards hung on the wall. Achievements, but no real pride or story behind them. It was a generic office, like one out of a TV show. It was exactly what you would imagine an office to look like, Paula struggled to grasp any meaning behind it.

All the lies on your resume   
Have become the truth by now  
And the things that you never did   
Have become your youth somehow  
You know everything by now

It took a few minutes of sitting on Nathaniel’s glossy office couch before a lightbulb went off in Paula’s head. Nathaniel’s entire life was based on societal expectations. His office looked like what one would expect a lawyer’s office to look like, his achievements were those one would expect of a young man of his social stature, heck, his entire life was based on doing what was expected of him both from his family and from society at large. Who was Nathaniel Plimpton III as a person? This was a question Paula doubted he had ever stopped to ask himself.

Enjoy your youth  
Sounds like a threat  
Enjoy your youth  
Sounds like a threat  
But I will anyway

Paula couldn’t help but grin at this revelation. Finally, she understood this kid. If anything it frightened her how much like Rebecca he was. He was a people pleaser with an abusive parent who had grown up in a toxic environment. While Rebecca had chased love in the form of Josh Chan (the monster who stood her up at her wedding), Nathaniel still wanted to make himself perfect in the eyes of his parents and society. He saw being cruel and commanding as signs of strength. He feared being weak in the same way that Rebecca feared being unlovable. If anything Paula was starting to feel sorry for the kid.

I remembered you older and taller  
But you’re younger and smaller  
So who’s gonna call her and say   
That you’re here at last  
And all the days they were longer   
And the drinks they were stronger  
The words we sang wrong   
But the songs were remembered   
And time just passed

Maybe she would use his insecurities against him, maybe she wouldn’t. Nathaniel wasn’t as mean a person as he aspired to be. At least he had Darryl around, who despite being relatively useless as a lawyer, was a good father figure. Being away from his family wouldn’t hurt him either. Whatever happened, Paula was confident that could work towards building herself a better, happier boss. After all, happy bosses usually treated their subordinates better than miserable ones.

You’re around ’til you’re not around   
And that’s all you need to know  
Every time you decide to stay   
Then the world will make you go  
And that’s all you need to know

Paula snuck out of the office before knocking on the door as though she had never been inside. Nathaniel jumped up, startled and ashamed that he had fallen asleep at his desk.  
“I’m making a pot of coffee, would you like a mug,” Paula asked, appearing perfectly innocent.  
“Actually yes, thank you,” Nathaniel answered, smiling in a way that could almost be mistaken as genuine.

Enjoy your youth  
Sounds like a threat  
Enjoy your youth  
Sounds like a threat  
But I will anyway…


	3. Grand Hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg comes to terms with his alcoholism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is set between seasons 1 and 2. If you are reading this thank you so much and know that I own neither Regina Spektor's music nor Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. All and any feedback is welcome.

Somewhere below the grand hotel  
There is a tunnel that leads down to hell  
Take the dumbwaiter, the laundry chute  
Then sneak through the hall past the boys shining boots  
Then left at the courtyard through the old garden  
Where all the bellhops smoke with the guards  
And then you run to the old lake house  
Down to the old lake house  
Run to the old lake house where it begins

So this was the drunk tank. If Greg Serrano didn’t feel queasy before, he certainly did now. Rubbing his eyes as the policemen escorted him to a holding cell, he could hear the clacking of their shoes on the filthy cement floor. It rung in his ears as did the howling and hurling of his drunken soon-to-be cellmates. The air was humid and stank of urine and vomit, both fresh and stale. They locked him in with the rest of the drunks. Hell. He was in hell.

Under the floorboards there's a deep well  
That leads to a spring that sprung up in hell  
That's where old devils danced and kissed  
And made their blood pacts in the ancient myths  
And running through forest they screamed in chorus  
While piercing fair maiden's chests with their horns  
And then they lay in the grass 'til the dawn came  
Sleeping away 'til the dawn came  
Lay in the grass where now stands the grand hotel

It made sense to Greg how he was now in hell, considering that he had just ruined his own life. He loved Rebecca, and instead of telling her at Jayma’s wedding, he acted like an insensitive jerk and got himself blind drunk. So drunk in fact, that he was still drunk when the police pulled him over on the way back to Rebecca’s. All his years of drinking had finally caught up with him. Now he was in jail. Curled up on sticky, reeking floor watching glassy-eyed alcoholics regurgitate their stomach contents. That wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was that he was one of them.

The Maître D' and a fancy chef  
Silver's real, the liquor's top shelf  
Play some tennis, swim in a pool  
Stroll the garden shady and cool  
You won't care that the devils  
Won't mind that the devils  
Won't know that the devils are near

Alcoholic. The word sat heavy on his conscience. Heavy as the glass bottles filled with his poisons of choice. Greg’s first drink had made him feel as though glitter was exploding inside of him, but over the years, alcohol had gone from being a recreational pleasure into something far more insidious. He couldn’t get anywhere or do anything without it. He drank while studying, he drank at work, he drank with his friends, and then he would come home and drink with his dad. Alcohol was the only constant in Greg’s life other than resentment and sarcasm. It was the most important relationship in his life right now. 

Somewhere below the grand hotel  
There is a tunnel that leads straight to hell  
But no one comes up for the souls anymore  
They come for some comfort and for the dance floor  
And hiding sharp horns under fedoras  
Do not disturb signs instead of a chorus  
They toss and turn 'til the dawn comes  
On soft sheets 'til the dawn comes  
No one sleeps at the grand hotel

It was a prison, had been for a long time but Greg had only just realised it. Alcoholism. It felt like paradise at first, it let him have fun, it made him fun. Until it only made him functional. And now, sitting in a literal prison Greg was realising that it made him neither. Really, give it a few more years and he would be no different that his current cellmates. One was trying to pee out of the barred window, while another nibbled chunks of vomit out of his beard, and yet another lied in the fetal position and wouldn’t stop screaming. He had to get out of here. And the only person who could save him was himself.

Room service, mini-bar  
Scented soaps, chauffeured cars  
Stay a day, stay a week  
Here's the tunnel, take a peek  
Just call up your friends at the front desk  
Any hour at the front desk  
Call up your friends at the grand hotel  
You'll always have friends at the grand hotel

It was then and there that Greg took a deep breath and decided to do the thing which frightened him most: accept responsibility for his actions.


	4. Small Bill$

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything with Rebecca, Josh feels lost in life. Set between episodes 3x07 and 3x08.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally updated this fic series!!! Sorry it's been 5 months! I didn't get much feedback and had a lot of homework so I'm finally now getting around to this. 
> 
> Small BIll$ is my favourite song on the album and it makes me think of one Joshua Felix Chan so here we go. Note that I own neither the song or the characters. Feedback is always appreciated!

His destiny was just too big to spend  
So he broke it into smaller bills and change  
By the time he tried to buy the things he needed He had spent it all on loosies and weed and  
He had spent it all on chips and Coca-Cola  
He had spent it all on chocolate and vanilla  
He had spent it all and didn’t even feel it  
He had spent it all and didn’t even feel it

Even after an hour, the document in front of him was still blank. Staring in front of him, all Josh could see was his own tired face. Writing was hard. Writing a resume after years of coasting through life felt nearly impossible. Joshua Felix Chan was many things, but a responsible adult was not one of them.

La-la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la

Funnily enough, it hadn’t bothered him until recently. Until everything with Rebecca.

All the poets in the alley coughing up blood And their visions and their dreams  
Are coming up red  
They can either wake up or go deeper

All this time, Josh thought he was happy, he really did. His relationship with Valencia, his friends, his family, it was all stable. He was happy with it. Even when he was in New York, Josh knew that they would always be there for him when he returned. But then, Rebecca came in like a hurricane. She believed in him, loved him until she hated him, and then moved on with her life. She felt like something that happened to him. But that was over, and Josh had no idea what to do anymore.

But it’s so dangerous to wake a deep sleeper It’s like awakening a bear in winter  
To feel the reckoning of hunger’s splinter  
He’s gonna stretch his claws and feel his power And you are gonna know your final hour

He shouldn’t have left her at the altar. She shouldn’t have stalked him. He should have communicated with her better. She shouldn't have threatened his family. Mistakes were made on both sides, or so Hector’s mom explained on her and Hector’s creepy relationship podcast. According to her, Josh loved being in love. He loved being needed. He knew how to charm people and impress them although he had no idea how to put in the work for a successful relationship. Now he needed to be there for himself, and he had no idea how to do that. 

La-la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la

Now, Josh was unemployed and living with Hector after being kicked out by his parents. 

Better get a head start, start running  
While you were skimming from the top was sunny But all the weather ’bout to turn real crummy ’cause everybody gonna want their money  
Yeah everybody gonna want their money  
Better get a head start, start running  
Better get a head start, start running  
’cause it’s about to get so unfunny

He couldn’t coast anymore. He wasn’t. He was drowning.

All the poets in the alley coughing up blood And their visions and their dreams  
Are coming up red  
They can either wake up or go deeper

He could have been more ambitious. How could be have been more ambitious? What should he have done with his life? Everyone was disappointed with him and he didn’t know how to make amends. Josh felt irrelevant, like he didn’t matter anymore. He had always been the popular guy that everyone liked, but along the way he had failed to become a man. The uncomfortable thought bubbles continued to fill his brain and Josh felt as though his head was about to explode. He had to do something. He had to be someone. But Josh couldn’t do more than stare blankly at the empty page of his own failure. As though he was in some state of sleep paralysis and that he just couldn’t escape from. 

But it’s so dangerous to wake a deep sleeper... La-la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la

Josh sighed and closed his laptop. He really wasn’t getting anywhere, maybe he never would.


	5. Black and White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting back into writing fic so here is a new chapter. This one takes point around 3.12. As always I own neither the song nor the show but would love feedback. Hope you enjoy :)

It was time to go home from Home Base. Josh Wilson took a last swig of his water to sober up and reached into his wallet for his credit card. The wallet was a mess, yet another thing about his life that he needed to organise. So much so, that as he pulled out his credit card, several pictures tumbled out as well. Old goofy pictures of him and Darryl from the photobooth at Jayma’s wedding. They looked so happy then. He couldn’t look away.

All my love  
In black and white  
On this color photograph  
Sad sad eyes  
Know too much  
You will always start to cry

“Hey, you alright there WhiJo?” Heather asked as she brought the debit machine to the table.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” he continued to stare sadly at the pictures. 

Why should I wait for tomorrow?  
Why should I wait for tomorrow?

“Okay dude, everything is not fine. Even dog-Josh is worried about you.” 

“His name is Max,” Josh sighed, “the last thing the poor animal needs is to be named after Joshua Felix Chan.” Looking up, he noticed that Heather had taken a seat across from him in the booth. 

“I’m just saying, he looks a lot like you guys,” Max leaned against Heather’s pregnant belly as she scratched behind his ears.

When you left  
I closed the door  
Closed my eyes  
Sat on the floor  
Heart beat fast  
Mind got slow  
This great love is  
All I know

“You miss Darryl don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I still kinda do,” Josh admitted. He looked up at Heather who was sobbing. “Uh, Heather, are you okay?”

“No I am not. I have become the stereotypical pregnant lady who cries at everything. It’s so embarrassing.”

“Well,” he stared at her belly, “it looks like it’ll all be over soon.”

“Yeah, Darryl and Rebecca’s genetic material together creating a new human. It’s not even born yet and it’s already a drama queen. That kid's gonna need me. V and I can be the cool aunts. Madison already loves me. She’s smart girl, nothing like her father.”

“Madison… she’s a good kid.” Josh had forgotten how much he missed Madison as well as her father.

Why should I wait for tomorrow?  
Why should I wait for tomorrow?

It was quiet for a moment, with only Max’s soft panting to break the silence. He gently put the photographs back into his wallet. Not once in his entire life had Josh Wilson been so upset about a breakup. He was always the voice of reason, attempting to rescue his friends from their poor life choices. He didn’t have anything to say but maybe that was the point. Maybe he had to let himself be sad: to be honest about the past and accept his emotions for what they were. Whatever they were, they still hurt.

All my love  
In black and white  
On this faded photograph  
Sad sad eyes  
Know too much  
You will always start to cry  
You will always start to cry  
Oh, you will always start to cry  
Oh, you will always start to cry  
You will always start to cry  
Oh, you will always start to cry


	6. The Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is Paula-centric and set after 3.07
> 
> Yes, I'm still working on this project! I own nothing but my thoughts. Also, feedback would be wonderful!

The light was shining in my eyes before I closed them  
And all the dreams I had the night before came back  
The faces that I'd seen looked so familiar  
But they're just strangers, I haven't met them yet

She never thought she would say this, but Paula Proctor was happy to be home. Far away from her alcoholic father and childhood dreams were her bland house and family here in West Covina. Bland perhaps, but comforting, like plain bread or chicken soup when you had a cold. Paula’s most recent trip to Buffalo with Rebecca had reminded her to appreciate them.

I know the morning is wiser than the evening  
I know that wrong and right can sometimes look the same  
So many things I know, but they don't help me  
Each day I open up my eyes and start again

Paula had gotten up early to make breakfast. It was the weekend so she decided to treat them to what Scott referred to as tube rolls: cinnamon roll dough from a tube that was then baked in the oven and drizzled with pre-packaged icing. Yes, she knew that they could barely be considered food and were probably carcinogenic, but dammit they were delicious and made the house smell wholesome. Soon the boys would wake up, like ravenous bears after a long winter of hibernation. Scott would show up as soon as the coffee was ready, and he was always the one to drizzle the icing over the still-hot cinnamon rolls. No one else could quite recreate the icing to dough ratio that he had somehow mastered.

The light comes shining in my eyes  
The light comes shining in my eyes  
The light comes shining in my eyes  
The light comes shining in my eyes

The rolls were baking and the coffee was brewing. She opened the blinds. Paula couldn’t help but admit that she loved the California sunshine.

So many stories I want to tell you  
I wish that I could show you the many things I've seen  
You and your daddy, you both look like poets  
Your eyes are open wide while you are in a dream

Paula thought about her conversation with Scott from the night before, how she was happy to be married to him. Sure, for the longest time she had wondered about what her life would have been like had she stayed in Buffalo with Jeffrey Channington, but by going back and spending time with him she was finally able to let go. He was her Josh Chan. Her romantic fantasy from her youth. But she was a different person now because of her experiences and because of the people she chose to bring into her life. 

I know the morning is wiser than the nighttime  
I know there's nothing wrong, I shouldn't feel so down  
So many things I know, but they don't help me  
Each day I open up my eyes to look around  
She was a crappy student in her youth, not unlike her sons. But now Paula was well on her way to becoming a lawyer. Something she never would have done had she stayed in her hometown. Being away from her parents probably benefited her too. Had she stayed, she might have become an alcoholic like her father. She would have had to take care of them, and she would have burned out. Paula’s mind wandered and she thought for a second about Greg Serrano, Rebecca’s ex-boyfriend who had left for Emory. She would have become like him had she not gotten out. It was a chilling thought and thankfully nothing more. Both of them had gotten out of their hometowns and had a chance to build their own lives. She could almost forgive him for hurting Rebecca by leaving. Almost. Heck, had she not come to West Covina, Paula would never had met Rebecca Bunch. She wouldn’t have her best friend.

 

The sun comes shining in my eyes  
The sun comes shining in my eyes  
The sun comes shining in my eyes  
The sun comes shining in my eyes

Friends. Family. Ambitions. Paula’s life was her own. Now more than ever. She had come so far and had so much to be grateful for.

Are closed now  
Count the stars inside your mind  
Count the breaths, count heartbeats  
Count the sounds of life

After her last trip home, the life she could have had no longer mattered to her. Paula found that her old fantasies had lost their lustre compared to the path she was on. Of course, Rebecca was on a major path to recovery, but so was she. Rebecca keeping her father busy allowed Paula to her own desires. And those desires were to keep building the life she had in West Covina. She wasn’t the perfect employee, wife, parent, or friend but she was still all of these things. And with them, Paula had a future.

The light was shining in my eyes before I closed them  
And all the dreams I had the night before were gone  
The faces that I'd seen looked so familiar  
But I forgot them all when I saw the sun

Now her old fantasies were but old dreams. Enjoyed but no longer important. More important right now were the fresh coffee, and tube rolls, and California sun. Today was for studying, and friends, and family. It was pointless to dwell on the past. Especially when the future looked so bright.

I know the morning is wiser than the evening  
I know that all of life just happens in between  
So many things I know, but they don't help me  
Each day I open up my eyes and it begins

The cinnamon rolls were just coming out of the oven and, like clockwork, Scott and the boys dragged themselves into the kitchen. Brendan and Tommy set the table, Scott prepared everyone’s coffees. Paula wished the boys would drink milk with breakfast but coffee was better than soda as a breakfast drink. There was no point complaining about it, coffee got them all out of bed. 

The light comes shining in my eyes  
The light comes shining in my eyes  
The light comes shining in my eyes  
The light comes shining in my eyes

Paula watched as Scott expertly drizzled commercial frosting over the rolls. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t the healthiest, but it was their idea of a good morning.

The light, the light, the light, the light  
The light, the light


	7. The Trapper and the Furrier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are the halfway point! Thanks for sticking with me thus far and let me know what you think. This chapter is set after 1x13 right after the court case.

The trapper and the furrier went walking through paradise  
And all the animals lay clawless and toothless before them  
And all the mother's stepped away from their babies  
Leaving them open and easy to handle  
The trapper and the furrier went walking through paradise  
They took some for now and they got some for later  
And they marveled at the pelts, not a bullet hole in them  
And they filled up the cages with pets for their children

All airport bars were the same. There was always an attempt to appear classy, if not downright opulent, but the chaos and dullness of the airport always found a way to ruin the atmosphere. It seeped into the bar like sewer gas into the subway. Audra Levine enjoyed neither. But she needed a drink and had only a few hours until her flight left, it was time to go back to New York. California was too sunny.

What a strange, strange world we live in  
Where the good are damned and the wicked forgiven  
What a strange, strange world we live in  
Those who don't have lose, those who got get given  
More, more, more, more

She looked down at the olive in the bottom of her martini glass. The slice of red pepper in the middle looked up at her like the pupil of an eye. As though it was watching her, judging her. Audra chuckled at the thought, it was something Rebecca would think. Poor, foolish Rebecca Bunch who threw her life away for some California dream. Whatever. Rebecca’s loss was her gain. She won the court case after all. Not Rebecca. Her.

The owner and the manager went walking through paradise  
And all the shelves were filled with awards and achievements  
And on every corner, a power presentation  
And on every floor, an army of workers  
The owner and the manager went walking through paradise  
And all their charts showed so much promise and progress  
No sick days, no snow days, no unions, no taxes  
And they wandered towards home, kings of their castles

Audra popped the olive in her mouth and shredded it with her teeth. She ordered another martini. Gin, rather than vodka. Rebecca always ordered vodka martinis. She used to stick her fingers in and grab the olive before finishing the drink too. Audra was classier than that. Always had been, always would be.

What a strange, strange world we live in  
Where the good are damned and the wicked forgiven  
What a strange, strange world we live in  
Those who don't have lose, those who got get given  
More, more, more, more

For their entire lives, Audra and Rebecca had been rivals. And Rebecca had always been one step ahead. But Rebecca always wanted to be happy. Not rich, powerful, or successful, but happy. Audra wanted to be the best. She wanted to best Rebecca. And now she had. Audra made partner in a prestigious law firm, she was engaged to a wealthy man her parents approved of, everything was going according to plan. Audra Levine never thought about being happy. Audra Levine wanted to win. And now she had. 

The lawyer and the pharmacist went walking through paradise  
And all the sick were around and with fevers unbreaking  
Crying and bleeding and coughing and shaking  
And arms outstretched, prescription collecting  
The lawyer and the pharmacist went walking through paradise  
Pressed suits in a courtroom, aroma of chloroform  
And they smiled at the judge, disposition so sunny  
Cause they didn't have the cure but sure needed the money

Somehow though, it tasted hollow and bitter. Like cheap gin. ‘Audra who are you?’ she would sometimes ask herself, staring into the bathroom mirroir late at night. The answer was always the same ‘whoever she needed to be to get ahead.’ Where was ahead and what would it mean when she got there? Audra never asked herself that question. Rebecca probably did. Audra was successful but Rebecca seemed to have friends. People who would look out for her. Audra had competition. That’s what people were. She took another sip of her martini.

What a strange, strange world we live in  
Where the good are damned and the wicked forgiven  
What a strange, strange world we live in  
Those who don't have lose, those who got get given  
More, more, more, more

 

Audra resisted the urge to rub her eyes and sigh. All of this California introspection was getting to her. She finished her drink, boarded her flight, and went back to New York. She had work to do.

More, more, more, more  
More, more, more, more  
More, more, more, more  
More, more, more, more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have bronchitis and am basically a step above bedridden so will write another chapter sooner rather than later. Think it'll be a Josh chapter.


	8. Tornadoland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set during episode 4.03. Damn I loved that episode.
> 
> Note that I own neither the show nor the song that inspired this chapter but am happy with all and any feedback :)

It was going to be a beautiful wedding. Sunbeams shone into the church as the guests waited for the bride and groom to arrive. Hector had dreamed about getting married for as long as Josh had known him. Greg and White Josh rolled there eyes at his romanticism but Josh had always respected it. And now, thanks to health insurance and an overzealous Valencia, he and Heather were going to have a real, albeit surprise, wedding ceremony. 

It's so much easier than you think, you try so hard  
And every time you get it wrong, you get it right  
You get it wrong but you get it right  
You get it right

Weddings. Josh almost got married. Being in the church made him think of when he left Rebecca at the altar and ran off to priest school. He hadn’t finished priest school he had come back to West Covina with nothing to show for it and no idea who he was. He and Rebecca were on good terms now. The hurricane between them had passed and she was in therapy and genuinely trying to be a better person. So was he. But still, he had made so many mistakes. Josh couldn’t help but feel ashamed as the thought bubbles exploded in his mind.

The mind runs fast  
Your thoughts are louder than your words  
And every time you turn around  
It starts to hurt, hurt, it starts to hurt  
But you wanna be heard, wanna be heard, wanna be

Josh’s hands were sweating and his heart was beating fast. He felt cold. He felt scared. He thought of every bad decision he’d made over the past few years. Valencia was here, Rebecca, father Brah, they knew ever mistake he’d made in and out of church. Dizziness and terror hit him like tidal wave and he had to sit down.

Louder than the storms around  
You hear them through the windows and the doors  
Everybody's time has come  
It’s everybody's moment, except yours

He shrugged his shoulders and took some deep breaths, just as Dr. Akopian had told him to do when he felt this way. Breathe in for five, breathe out for five, breathe in for five, breathe out for five...

Before the light goes out  
Why don’t you close your eyes  
And all the monsters in your mind just wanna be nice  
They wanna be kind, they wanna play nice, they wanna be  
Josh picked up the bible in front of him. He ran his fingers up and down the leather binding. He flipped through the thin pages with small black print, red print when Jesus was speaking. He named every book in the bible, from Genesis through Revelations, in his head. He kept his mind busy. Dr. Akopian told him that anxiety attacks were like storms and storms only lasted for so long. He took more deep breaths. In for five, out for five, in for five, out for five...

Softer than the storms around  
You feel them through the windows and the doors  
Everybody's time has come  
It’s everybody's moment, except yours

It took a few minutes, but eventually the anxiety passed and Josh felt safe again. He was sweaty and tired, but he was okay. This wasn’t the first anxiety attack Josh had had in his life and he doubted it would be the last. But now he could cope. He could weather the storms as they came. Still, it was easy to look back and think of how much of his life he’d arrange out of avoiding things that stressed himself out in the past. Josh thought back to his relationship with Valencia, how he never settled into a career, and everything that happened with Rebecca. Then he took a few more deep breaths and opened his eyes.

Everybody moment, everybody moment  
Everybody moment except yours, 'cept yours  
Everybody moment, everybody moment  
Everybody moment, except yours, 'cept yours

Today was about Heather and Hector and their life together. Josh would be able to continue wresting his demons later in therapy, but today at least he had the tools to cope with his them. Today, he was here for his friends. It was their day. It was going to be a beautiful wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once had an anxiety attack at a wedding, albeit for different reasons. It was not fun. I knew I wanted to write a Josh chapter for this song and that last episode made me think back to that and inspired this chapter.


End file.
